Rant Time: This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Happy holidays everybody!  It’s almost X-Mas time!  That special time of year when a fully bearded diaper-wearing baby Jesus flies his rocket ship to Earth to deliver presents to all of the little girls and boys.  But only the Christian ones because the rest will burn in eternal hell fire.  Also, I think we hang stockings to prevent our daughters from becoming prostitutes.  Think I’m making that part up?  Google that shit.  It gets dark.  As we enter the holiday season, we must all take a moment to realize that now is a time for giving.  Or in the case of major TV networks, cruelly taking away the things we love.  And by things, I of course mean some of the best and most creative shows on TV.  Sweeps season moves in like a chill winter wind to blow away all of the shows not bloated enough with ratings to be anchored down.  It’s usually right about now when we start to find out if we’ll be seeing our favorite characters coming back next year to fill our hearts with springtime joy.  And as usual, the major networks are killing off every show that seems to have something going for it on the creative side.  Let’s take a look at some of the fan favorite shows that may soon be unjustly cancelled so networks can air a new reality show called Morbidly Obese Fuckin Hoarder Sister Wives of Little People County.  We’ll see why we should treasure the time we have left with them before the plug gets pulled.

obese-woman

She hoards food in her colon. That’s nature’s hiding place.

    

First things first, Community.  This show has been on life support since season one.  Easily the most creative (and probably funniest) major network show to drop since Arrested Development, Community is the greatest show on TV that no one is watching.  No one…at all.  The rock solid cast features the best group of rising stars I’ve ever seen.  Joel McHale will soon be a major Hollywood player.  Count on that.  Between Community and Mad Men, Allison Brie will be a leading lady on TV or film.  Donald Glover is turning into a renaissance man with his TV, standup, and music careers.  And those are just the top three!  Jim Rash won an Oscar last year and he’s not even one of the main cast!  This show made Chevy Chase relevant again.  Need I say more?  He’s getting Old Navy commercials!  That’s the big time.  You remember Chevy Chase right?  He had his own talk show.  You probably didn’t see it.  

chevy

Chevy’s show was just like The Magic Johnson show, but with much less HIV

In Community, Dan Harmon created a self aware show that features the best use of pop culture references in ever.  They’ve had the Zombie episode, Call of Duty episode, Glee episode, Breakfast Club episode, and Super Dark Christmas Special just to name a few.  Omar from The Wire is a faculty member!  But the show isn’t just about being clever for the sake of being clever.  Community actually makes you give a damn about its characters.  You can relate to and understand people that aren’t limited by their archetypes.  You don’t get to that with sub-par writing.  Almost every episode is strong and all of them featured at least a few laugh out loud moments.  Dan Harmon invested himself in the writing of every episode and it definitely shows.  And now he’s fired.  Thanks NBC.  The show also got moved to Friday nights.  Thanks again.  The season four premier has been delayed indefinitely and now there’s new leadership at NBC.  Doesn’t look good for our heroes, does it?  Do I sound bitter?  Of course I’m bitter.  This is the funniest show on TV, but ‘Murica would rather watch the same ole’ recycled comedy crap on CBS instead.  Let’s move on before my eyes start bleeding.  Thanks for the memories Community.  May the DVD sales be with you.

Do yourself a favor and watch this show.  It'll make Danny Pudi happy.

Do yourself a favor and watch this show. It’ll make Danny Pudi happy.

Next show? Parks and Rec.  This is another show that’s been dodging the chopping block since day one.  If I had to choose one show that could be better than Community, it would be this one.  Amy Poehler leads another rock star cast in an “Office style” docu-comedy that out performs The Office in every way imaginable.  I don’t get the ratings on this one.  Did everyone just assume it was an Office knockoff and skip it?  I’m about to drop some knowledge on you.  The Office is a knock off of The Office and people seemed to like that.  I will admit that Parks took a season to find its footing.  However, starting with season two, there isn’t another show that I would recommend that everyone would be able to “get”.  I can understand how Community wouldn’t be someone’s cup of tea, but there are no excuses for not giving Parks and Rec. a shot.  It’s just plain great TV.  Nothing has been confirmed about a cancellation, but TV buzz indicates that this season could be the last due to the executive shake up at NBC.  Another one may be biting the dust.

NBC's new head of programming.  He thinks the spring lineup will be simply ghoulish.

NBC’s new head of programming. He thinks the spring lineup will be simply ghoulish.

The last great show that may be meeting its maker is Happy Endings.  I’ll admit that I’m pretty new to the Happy Endings party.  I’d heard good things here and there but I could never be bothered to watch.  I suppose I’m as much to blame as anyone for not checking it out sooner.  This season is the first that I’ve actually committed to watching and now I’m hooked.  The cast has noticeable on-screen chemistry and there’s not a weak character in the bunch.  I want to know and hang out with these people.  They’re so much more fun than most of my real friends.  You know who you are.  Happy Endings is like the chick you meet at a party one night and the two of you just completely hit it off.  You like all the same bands and you both laughed at the guy that fell off the porch and wound up going to the hospital.  You just plain get each other.  And then you find out that she’s moving to Canada soon and you’ll never see her again.  ABC is moving your dream girl to Canada against her will.  Bummer.  And lest my wife think that I actually met Canada girl, I assure you that she’s about as real as my sobriety.  So…not.  I will say that Happy Endings has enjoyed a ratings boost as of late so I may still have a chance with this chick. 

They're just like your friends.  Except way way hotter.

They’re just like your friends. Except way way hotter…even the dude at the bottom.

So who do we have to thank for taking away all of our favorite shows?  That would be the good people at the Nielsen company and their magical rating system.  Here’s a brief summary of that whole situation.  In the 1920’s, some guy came up with a rating system for radios.  Then in the 50’s, they put the same system in place for TV’s.  Every year, a miniscule number of people are selected to determine whether or not shows will stay on the air.  Seriously, it’s like .02% of the population.  How many of those people do you think have the ability to form a coherent thought?  I’m going to go ahead and say half of that number.  The selection process is determined by drawing random names out of a really, really big hat.  Whatever these silly bastards choose to write down that they liked watching is what gets to stay on the air.  And that’s how Two and a Half Men keeps making Chuck Lorre big hat’s full of money. 

This fine fellow represents 10,000 viewers.  You are one of them.

This fine fellow represents 10,000 viewers. You are one of them.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, “Hey, this is the internet age.  Why don’t we just develop a new, more accurate ratings system that measures online streaming numbers or something like that?”  Because fuck you, that’s why.  They don’t wanna change the system.  And now my ears are ringing and my nose just started bleeding.  Time for my aneurism.  To quote a wise man during this Christmas season, “Hallelujah!  Holy Shit!  Where’s the Tylenol?

– Josh

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