Widow’s Peaks, and Why I Don’t Watch Homeland

Claire Danes and I have a complicated relationship.  As a chubby, precocious 14 year old growing up in a small town, Angela Chase was my manic pixie dream girl before it was a thing.  And without the pixie size.  Or manic behavior.  She was actually pretty low key, now that I think about it.  But man, I loved her.

The poetry of the 90's.  No wonder everyone hated us.

The poetry of the 90’s. No wonder everyone hated us.

In a town populated with mostly homely women (aka blondes) that showed little interest in a boy who shaved his widow’s peak (because it was seriously out of control, you guys), I was on an island of celibacy.  I didn’t make out with girls in 8th grade.  I just wasn’t that guy.  I was the guy who shaved his widow’s peak.

You thought I was going to post a picture of Eddie Munster, didn't you?  Don't be a dick

You thought I was going to post a picture of Eddie Munster, didn’t you? Don’t be a dick

Side note, I did it because I thought it looked absolutely hideous, and I wanted a straight hair line across my forehead.  What I didn’t realize is even though I shaved it, there was still stubble.  So I “Naired” it.  That’s right, I put fucking Nair on my forehead.  And guess what?  There was still a shadow.  So then I put a BAND AID on my forehead, and pretended I somehow cut my forehead for two weeks.  I was a weird kid.

Anyway, I loved My So Called Life.  I mean, obviously.  It wasn’t about happiness, or everything working out.  People fought and didn’t make up in the same 30 minutes.  And, also… Brian MF Krakow.  My So Called Life was the realest thing ever.  Like The Wire for teen angst.  Which means Jordan Catalano was Omar Little.

I shot the boy Mike-Mike in his hind parts, that all.

I shot the boy Mike-Mike in his hind parts, that all.

So 1994-95 was a special time in my life.  A time when I didn’t feel like I was the only one who wasn’t taking a Kelly Kapowski-type out behind the school and getting her pregnant.

kelly2

After that moment in history, I kept waiting for for Angela Chase / Claire Danes to reappear and sweep me off my feet again.  Even at an early age, I had a hard time separating the actor from the role.  But unfortunately, the rest of her IMDB page reads like the kind of stuff I go out of my way to avoid, a laundry list of things like

“How to Make an American Quilt”

“To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday”

“Les Miserables”

“The Mod Squad”

“The Hours”

I'd much rather watch this

I’d much rather watch this

You get the gist.  Oh sure, you can throw in a “Romeo+Juliet” here and a “Terminator” there, but really, don’t both of those things suck?  And now, I’m at a point where I just can’t help but notice that as an actress, I hate Claire Danes.

angela

“I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.”

angela 2

“I’ve never been to a cabin with you, you psychopath.  I’m sorry if that hurts”

angela 3

“Just… Just don’t cry, okay?”

angela 4

“UGH”

I don’t hate her because she’s necessarily bad.  She’s just like Julianne Moore and Andie McDowell.  I don’t particularly like their brand of blandness.  So I won’t watch Homeland.  Probably ever.  I’ve heard it’s good, but I don’t care.  If you are interested, here are some people who say it’s good blah blah blah

http://www.metacritic.com/tv/homeland

http://www.avclub.com/tvclub/tvshow/homeland,269/

So watch if you must.  But I think I’ll stick to my MSCL DVD collection.

– Stephen

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