Not long ago in an apartment complex a few miles away, my U-Verse service decided to die on me. For over three days, I lived the life of the tv-less savage. Without television or internet to light my path, I stumbled blindly through the chaos of quiet, simple living. The following is not merely a recording of my three day harrowing journey. Nay, it is a parable for which all the world shall bear witness. If the recounting of my struggle may help one reader through such an ordeal, then my time here will not have been wasted. Enjoy.
Wednesday September 19, 2012 – Day 1
5:30 p.m. – That’s weird, I just tried to turn the tv on and it says no signal. I’m pretty sure it was working this morning before I left for work. I guess that happens sometimes, I haven’t had U-Verse for long. Hmmm. I need to go run anyway so no big deal. I’m sure it’ll be working by the time I get back.
6:15 p.m. – The tv still isn’t working. Something’s gone wrong. Is the signal out all over the complex? I’ll go out on the balcony and see if anyone else is in panic mode. Nope. Okay, I’ll just get on the website to see if there’s an outage in my area.
6:17 p.m. – OH MY GOD THE INTERNET IS DOWN TOO! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!? This can’t be happening!
6:19 p.m. – The “service” light on the modem is blinking red. Deep breaths…stay calm. Ha! I’ll just reset the modem and everything should start back up again. Problem solved.
6:25 p.m. – That goddamn red light is still blinking! Why won’t you reset? Have I angered you in some way? It’s because we’re recording too much wasn’t it? Look. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll delete everything that Christine records if you just work! No more Amish Housewives of Teen Pregnancy County! Please don’t do this to me!
6:37 p.m. – Okay, stop panicking. I think I saw the AT&T van parked outside. Maybe they’re just working on something for the entire complex. Yup, I can see the van is still out there. Once the guy finishes what he’s doing we’ll be good to go.
7:22 p.m. – That bastard just drove off! That mother fucker didn’t finish fixing anything! I have no TV and no internet! Christine is telling me to calm down because maybe he just couldn’t finish today and will fix it tomorrow. He has to go home sometime. I can’t hear her over the deafening quiet of our apartment. What she’s saying kinda makes sense though. I’ll just start reading a book. I can make it through one night with no tv or internet, right? I’ll just read….yeah. I’m only halfway finished withSex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs anyway.
9:15 p.m. – Aaaand bored. I should watch Netflix , that’ll get me through the night.
9:16 p.m. – Can’t connect to Playstation Network. Oh yeah…internet. Time to play my Vita.
Thursday September 20, 2012 Day 2
12:45 a.m. – From the bedI can see that red light flashing from across the room. It’s taunting me. I’m sure of it. I certainly can’t sleep with that going on.
7:15 a.m. – Maybe the U-verse fairy came in during the night and fixed everything. Let’s just check…nope. Gotta call U-verse people now and have them tell me to unplug the modem for 10 seconds. I already did that! If I couldn’t have figured that much out on my own, I wouldn’t have been able to dial your number ‘cause my brain doesn’t function properly!
12:15 p.m. – Hey the AT&T van is parked outside again! Maybe Christine was right and they just had to come back and fix it today!
5:15 p.m. – Bastards fixed nothing!
6:00 p.m. – Christine just got off the phone with AT&T. After unplugging the modem a couple times with no results, the support person was dumbfounded…naturally. A technician is coming out on Saturday. Saturday! Do they not realize the Parks and Rec. season premiere is tonight? I have many important things to read on the internets and I don’t want to do it all on my phone! The Rangers are in a playoff race! A playoff race!
8:30 p.m. – I bet Parks and Rec. was hilarious. That’s a shame. I would Hulu it but…you know.
9:00 p.m. – I’m not mad at you U-Verse, I’m just disappointed. So very, very, disappointed.
11:30 p.m. – I’ve realized something. When you sit in a completely quiet room, the silence almost hurts your ears. Also there’s that voice that just keeps repeating, “Kill!” I thought I got rid of that guy. How’d he find me here?
Friday September 21, 2012 Day 3
12:15 a.m. – And now I can’t sleep. Time to chug some NyQuil.
7:20 a.m. – TV working? Nope.
5:30 p.m. – Fuck off U-Verse. I don’t really need you anyway. I have my Arrested Development dvd’s to keep me company. I could watch those forever if I had to.
11:30 p.m. – Okay tired of AD. The cable guy is coming tomorrow morning so I should get some sleep.
Saturday September 29, 2012 Day 4
1:30 a.m. – I wonder how long it’ll take for the cable and internet to get fixed once he gets here. I promise I’ll make the most of every minute I have with tv now. No more wasted time surfing the net either.
8:30 a.m. – Cable people aren’t here yet. You know what? I’m okay with that. I’ve let tv and internet take up too much of my life. I should go take the dog for a walk or something and make the most of this great Saturday! It’s a new Josh today! Maybe I’ll try to write a book. Yeah, I could do that.
10:15 a.m. – Oh my god it’s fixed! Time to watch College Gameday and watch a video of ferrets playing simultaneously! Life has meaning again!