HBO GO! Uhh… GO! Um… Whenever you’re ready HBO. I’ll wait here.

My girlfriend is an incredible, beautiful, fantastic // person, who many wondrous qualities make me a very lucky man.  One of these wonderful qualities is that she subscribes to HBO.  I haven’t had access to HBO on a consistent basis since I was in high school, and they didn’t have awesome shows back then.  It was basically a bunch of second tier movies and a brutal prison show.  And HBO, while horrible at making their episodes available on iTunes or Netflix in a timely manner (or at all), they did do one smart thing to entice further viewership.  They created HBO GO.

And he saw that it was HBOGO… and it was good.

HBO GO is a service that allows anyone subscribed to HBO to log in to any computer or smart phone and watch all of their old shows online at any time.  Or the XBox 360.  Unfortunately, I broke mine about four years ago when the entertainment center I assembled with my own two hands collapsed upon itself like a building imploding.  But that’s another story.  Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Stephen, why don’t you just illegally download it?  Patience, dear friends, is a virtue.  I will address that very soon.  Because Lord knows I may have done something similar to that (NOTICE TO FBI THIS IS NOT AN ADMISSION OF GUILT AND WHY ARE YOU READING A TV BLOG ANYWAY GO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE YOU GUYS).

Ehh, there’s probably nothing going anyway…

I had the genius idea of just connecting my laptop to the television, and voila…  I would have outsmarted HBO yet again (and legally this time).

*Side tangent*I feel like getting free cable or watching TV online for free, or downloading is very “I’m still in college or maybe the first few post-college years when I’m insanely broke.”  Some would say I’m an adult… I prefer to refer to myself as creeping up the on-ramp to the highway of responsibility.  I don’t necessarily want to pay for everything, but I’m at a point in my life where I want to keep it above board.  *Tangent complete*

Ah, to be young again.

Every episode of every show ever created for HBO was at the tip of my fingers, and on the big screen, too.  Not this on my phone or on my computer only bullshit.  LIKE GOD MEANT FOR IT TO BE WHEN HE CREATED HBO.

I had to create a schedule as I had so much TV to watch.  All of the shows I missed and all of the shows I had to watch again.  The Wire, of course, was tops.  My girlfriend has never experienced the um… experience that is the Wire.  We paired that with Sopranos (A show I somehow missed, QUIT JUDGING ME WITH THOSE EYES), and that was our new Monday.  One episode a week of each, and it was like it was 2004 all over again and this was still relevant

Tuesday was comedy night, with Bored to Death and Eastbound and Down (for her virgin eyes), and Summer Heights High and The Life and Times of Tim (for me).  We hadn’t even scratched the surface with Deadwood, or Curb Your Enthusiasm, or JUST SO MANY SHOWS OHMYGOD…

But there’s an old saying about underestimating your opponent.  And underestimate them I did.  You see, the geniuses at HBO knew that there were assholes like me, leeching off of their girlfriend’s HBO free subscription.  So they decided that they were going to put in a special programming code… A code where the website would only work four days a week.  And of those four days, three of the days would run slow, or freeze at key moments.  OR, even better, the picture would freeze but the audio would continue.  OR EVEN BETTER, the picture would freeze and the audio would begin to loop the same 20 seconds over and over.  And the fourth day the color would go back and forth between crystal clarity and 1980’s Zenith quality picture.

Use your words, Stephen

The first few days, we would laugh, or justify the extra effort to restart the website.  “It’s free, so sometimes it takes a little extra work,” I would say as disappointment snuck into my girlfriend’s eyes.  “But it’s totally worth it.”  It’s not, though.  It’s not worth it.  I felt the sting of failure every time I queued it up and McNulty’s mischievous grin would freeze, a poetic moment of realization that I can’t beat the big corporation.  Legally, anyway.

You’ll never see what I’m smirking about… about… about… about

We gave up after the first week.  Sure, we will occasionally try to hook it up for a night.  Or if I have some time to kill, I’ll watch an episode or two… on the computer.  PFFFT <-Fart noise with mouth.  But now, when there’s a show we want to check out, we do it the old fashioned way, the way we used to do it when I was kid.  I just borrow someone’s copy.

Yo, dawg, I need the complete box set of Carnivale


Diary Of A Creepy Kid

I’m ashamed to admit that I was late jumping on the Mad Men bandwagon.  Like really late.  Like oh my god I might be preggo late.  I caught bits of episodes here and there, but was never able to sit still long enough to get into the series until about season 3.  This isn’t a show that you can just jump in and watch.  If you’re reading this and have never seen the show, get on Netflix right the damn now and start watching.    But I’m not here today to champion Mad Men.  Nay, I’m here to critique one of the most polarizing kids in television history.  I am speaking of course of Glen Bishop and his creepy factor. 

This kid

If you Lougle creepy kid from Mad Men, you’re getting a pic of Glen.  Not Sally.  Not Bobby.  You’re getting Glen’s dead eyed star looking back at you.  But is Glen really all that bad?  My wife can’t watch any scene with him without some level of discomfort.  So what make Glen so goddamn off-putting?  Is it the staring?  It’s the staring isn’t it?  Is it the monotone delivery that sounds like Glen practiced this conversation in the mirror last night?  Maybe Glen is just a misunderstood kid.  Or maybe Matt Weiner decided to throw in a future serial killer to disrupt our happy little neighborhood that’s already filled with booze, heroin, adultery, and now suicide.  Thanks a lot Lane.   Weiner insists that Glen wasn’t created to be intentionally creepy.  I disagree sir. 

Laughter is the best medicine. Also penicillin.

So what exactly is the source of Glen’s creepiness?  Let’s take a look.  We first meet this kid when he’s about eight.  He’s the son of a single working mom in the 60’s and doesn’t have a father figure in his life.  Ruh roh.  There’s no one there to tell him to stop staring at Betty like he’s about to serve her up with a side of mashed taters. 

If you squint she kinda looks like cotton candy. Morbidly obese cotton candy.

Everything started off okay with Glen.  He’s a quiet kid that seems to get along with the Draper kids.  Then things took a slight turn.  Our little hero strolled into the bathroom while Betty was popping a squat.  Here we go.  But maybe Glen walked in by accident and froze up…while continuing to watch Betty pee.  Then came the hair thing.  Who the hell asks for somebody’s hair?  A crazy bastard looking to make a hair doll, that’s who. 

Hello reader. See you in your dream tonight.

And why the shit did Betty give him hair?  That’s creepier than the actual request!  That’s like inviting a vampire into your house!

*Quick editor’s note:  I’m writing this article while waiting for the plane to take off.   I keep getting distracted because there’s an infant in the seat next to me that’s giving me the stink eye.  Is he trying to fight me?  Maybe he’s evil.  And now he’s crying.  I promise I didn’t head butt him.  Probably should have.  Back to the post.

So Glen and Betty break up and he sets his lazy eye on getting Sally.  I’ve always thought that he’s just been using Sally as a gateway to get more Betty hair.  And for some reason, he always fingering some piece of rope like it’s his goddamn totem and he just got incepted. 

* Now the baby is kicking me while his mom is holding him.  Was that a challenge?  Did I mention he’s Asian?*

The last time we see young Glen, he’s a little busy trashing the Draper house.  But it’s not the normal lashing out of an emotional tween.  Glen methodically takes apart that kitchen like he’s been planning this caper for months and he doesn’t want forensics on his trail.  We’ve got a future Dexter on our hands. 

Our top headline today: Dexter is just an okay show.

* That baby is crying again.  But I think mom just put him in the sleeper hold cause he just dropped.  Thanks God, I owe you one.*

So fast forward to an older Glen and it looks like the Draper’s restraining order is intact.  Glen’s at a boarding school and he can only talk to Sally on a community phone while not wearing pants.  Everything is just fine…..wait what?

I think the other major reason people find Glenn creepy is his demeanor.  That’s Matt Weiner’s kid out there.  I’m not so sure that he’s a trained actor.  His wooden delivery and blank stares are pretty robotic.  Like creepy robotic.  Creepy, stabby robotic.  It’s a little hard to identify with that kid, so maybe that’s why everybody is afraid of him.  Or maybe it’s the staring thing again. 

Yeah, it’s the staring

So is Glen the weirdest kid in TV history?  Did Matthew Weiner intentionally ensure that his son would never get laid?  Or is Glen just a quiet kid that’s really, really, misunderstood?  Personally, I don’t think we’ll get our answer until the ATF raids Glen’s compound and guns him down in a few years. 

Flight just landed.  I hate that baby.

– Josh