So, you’re a TV fan. You’ve purchased all of the True Blood DVD’s, regular and collector’s edition, you’ve got a Buffy poster framed in the bedroom, and you hold a viewing party every week for the new episode of Bones. OK, so maybe not the last one, because who watches Bones, seriously? I mean, I guess somebody’s watching that shit but I don’t know a single person who watches it, so like, how the hell is that show still on the air it JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE-
Sorry about that. Point is, you’re a fanatic. But you’re also creative and different, and want to express that in some unique and interesting way. So, I did a little digging, and I found some things that every true TV fan would give their stepchild for. Most are items you can actually purchase, some are just fantastic ideas that someone out there will have the moxie to make and ship to my home address. Enjoy, and go buy them, and be different and special just like everybody else!!
10. “Arrested Development” Clue Board Game
If you don’t like Clue, then I have some unfortunate news for you. You’re stupid. I don’t mean “You don’t like the Dallas Cowboys” fan boy stupid, I mean like “You can’t do simple math” stupid, or “You tried to eat cereal from a plate…with a spatula” stupid. How are you even READING this right now? Good for you! But I digress…
Some beautifully brilliant person out there (Marry Me!) had the ingenious idea of combining the greatest board game ever with the greatest family ever: The Bluths. The best part is the Weapons list. (It’s always the Cornballer)
9. “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” Beer Pong TableYes, Beer Pong is the game of choice for the future douche bags of America. But if frat boys only ate cheeseburgers, would you stop eating cheeseburgers? Of course not, you’re an American, damn it. Forget the stigma, Beer Pong is fun. And It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is fun. fun + fun = FUN. It’s math, you can’t argue with that.
8. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” Arcade Game
If I would have saved all the quarters I spent on this game at the local arcade, and put it in an IRA or one of those fancy savings account thingies, I would have had a shitty childhood. But I could have this in my arms RIGHT NOW. Ah, such is life. But I created a Kickstarter page so people can give me money to buy one. It’s TOTALLY WORTH IT, you guys. You can come play with me anytime you want!
7. “Star Trek” Bathrobe
So you met a cute girl at the local ComiCon convention. Things are going well, and she invites you up to her place for some XBOX 360 action. One thing leads to another, and you guys totally do sex stuff. The next morning, you walk into the kitchen, and she’s cooking you breakfast wearing a Star Trek bathrobe. That, my friends, is a keeper…
6. “He-Man: Masters of the Universe” Lunchbox
*Clears throat* Fuck you guys. Moving on…
Coming Wednesday, Part 2 of the list of essential items for you to continue living in this Godforsaken world…