Sterling Archer is probably the greatest character on TV, animated or otherwise. You know it. I know it. Archer knows it. He’s got it all. Trained secret agent? Check. Deadpan delivery? Check. Chiseled 70’s Burt Reynolds-esque features? Sploosh. The greatest outgoing voicemail messages ever? Oh indeed.
Some would say he’s also shallow, manipulative, and a major asshole. And that brings us to why we’re all here today. Those closest to me (family, friends, future nemeses) have repeatedly informed me that I am basically the human version of Archer. At first I thought, “Hey, that’s awesome. Archer’s great. And I’m great. I just didn’t know I was Archer great.” But then I thought, “Wait…wait…could this be a bad thing? I think they mean I’m being a shallow a-hole.” Well first of all, shut up.
Second, I’m here to refute those unjust claims and prove just how un-Archery I really am…but only when it comes to the bad things about him. Otherwise, I’m just like Archer.
I hit a couple of stumbling blocks when I started writing this. I didn’t want to just start bragging and comparing myself to everything that’s great about the guy. ‘Cause then people would be all, “Oh, oh, oh, you’re talking about how amazing you are just like Archer would. That proves everything we’ve been saying about you” Well screw you. This is my article and I’m Archer great. Also you’re voice sounds dumb in my head. It sounds like, “Meh meh meh, you always hurt my feelings! Meh!” Let’s get to it shall we?
Looks: Archer’s a handsome dude. I’m secure enough that I can say that. He’s tall, has awesome hair, and has a collection of sweet infiltration turtlenecks. The guy tears through trim like a damn weed eater. I however, am 5’9” with an average build. I do have amazing slightly wavy black hair like Archer’s. So what if I’ve fixed my hair with my hands since ’98. I’m going to give myself a 7. But a power 7…I mean girls find me at least attractive. Yeah let’s go with a 7. Well I’m better looking than John Benjamin.
Personality: Now this is where people are going to point accusingly at me and yell, “Archer!” Well I say stop shouting. We’re inside…and yelling’s rude. Also don’t point. Just like Archer, sarcasm is my preferred means on communication. Only the driest of wit will do. I do have a tendency to yell WOOO any time I win at anything. Also after proving a point, or walking out of a room. And maybe sometimes I do find other people’s misfortunes funny…like really funny…it’s my favorite thing. Obscure movie references? We both have that. And maybe I can come across as a little self-centered. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about your problems. I really, really do care about how your problems affect me. Cocky personality? Some would say so. An uncompromising need to be right? Well I’m rarely wrong so that doesn’t really enter into this discussion.
Drinking Habits: Archer’s liver probably looks really bad. My liver? It probably looks pretty bad too. I like to think that I’m at my Archery best when I’ve had a few. Let’s skip this one. I concede the point.
In conclusion, you can clearly see that I am indeed basically Archer without all the good parts. Shit. Probably a bit smarter though. I’m gonna go ahead and bump me to a 7.5 too. Johnny Bench called.