Top 5 Boyd Crowder Quotes

If you’re not watching Justified, just get out.  Get the hell out. For those of you who are, here’s a little Monday morning treat.  You’re welcome, AMERICA.

5.  You wanna make a living in this business, you gotta know your ABCs:  Always Be Cool.

4.  Raylan, if a book could only be judged by its cover, you’d be a best seller.

3.  Goddamnit woman, you only shoot people when they’re eatin’ supper?

2.  Well Mr. Napier I’d like to think that if I was behind an attempt on your life, at the very least I would’ve messed up your hair.

1.  I asked him to shut down his poison factory and merely made an observation about its combustibility.

– Stephen

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Why Do I Keep Getting Compared to Archer?

Sterling Archer is probably the greatest character on TV, animated or otherwise.  You know it.  I know it.  Archer knows it.   He’s got it all.  Trained secret agent? Check.  Deadpan delivery? Check.  Chiseled 70’s Burt Reynolds-esque features?  Sploosh.  The greatest outgoing voicemail messages ever?  Oh indeed.

Some would say he’s also shallow, manipulative, and a major asshole. And that brings us to why we’re all here today.  Those closest to me (family, friends, future nemeses) have repeatedly informed me that I am basically the human version of Archer. At first I thought, “Hey, that’s awesome. Archer’s great. And I’m great. I just didn’t know I was Archer great.” But then I thought, “Wait…wait…could this be a bad thing? I think they mean I’m being a shallow a-hole.” Well first of all, shut up.

Second, I’m here to refute those unjust claims and prove just how un-Archery I really am…but only when it comes to the bad things about him.  Otherwise, I’m just like Archer.

I hit a couple of stumbling blocks when I started writing this.  I didn’t want to just start bragging and comparing myself to everything that’s great about the guy. ‘Cause then people would be all, “Oh, oh, oh, you’re talking about how amazing you are just like Archer would. That proves everything we’ve been saying about you” Well screw you.  This is my article and I’m Archer great.  Also you’re voice sounds dumb in my head.  It sounds like, “Meh meh meh, you always hurt my feelings! Meh!” Let’s get to it shall we?

Looks:  Archer’s a handsome dude.  I’m secure enough that I can say that.  He’s tall, has awesome hair, and has a collection of sweet infiltration turtlenecks. The guy tears through trim like a damn weed eater.  I however, am 5’9” with an average build.  I do have amazing slightly wavy black hair like Archer’s.  So what if I’ve fixed my hair with my hands since ’98.  I’m going to give myself a 7.  But a power 7…I mean girls find me at least attractive. Yeah let’s go with a 7.  Well I’m better looking than John Benjamin.

Personality:  Now this is where people are going to point accusingly at me and yell, “Archer!”  Well I say stop shouting. We’re inside…and yelling’s rude.  Also don’t point.  Just like Archer, sarcasm is my preferred means on communication.  Only the driest of wit will do.  I do have a tendency to yell WOOO any time I win at anything. Also after proving a point, or walking out of a room. And maybe sometimes I do find other people’s misfortunes funny…like really funny…it’s my favorite thing. Obscure movie references?  We both have that.  And maybe I can come across as a little self-centered.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about your problems. I really, really do care about how your problems affect me. Cocky personality? Some would say so. An uncompromising need to be right? Well I’m rarely wrong so that doesn’t really enter into this discussion.

Drinking Habits:  Archer’s liver probably looks really bad.  My liver?  It probably looks pretty bad too.  I like to think that I’m at my Archery best when I’ve had a few. Let’s skip this one. I concede the point.

In conclusion, you can clearly see that I am indeed basically Archer without all the good parts. Shit. Probably a bit smarter though.  I’m gonna go ahead and bump me to a 7.5 too.  Johnny Bench called.

– Josh

Hello world!

LIKE YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO

Welcome to My So Called TV Blog: The Cubicle Drone’s Guide to the World of Television, or MSCTVBTCDGWT for short.  Television is one of…nay, is the most important thing in ever.  We at MSCTV will look back at the shows that shaped a generation to see if they still hold up. (hint: most don’t)  We’ll obsess nonstop over the shows that give us warm fuzzies and always make us moist.  Additionally, we’ll blindly lash out at anything about TV that we despise and are certain will lead to the Idiocracy.  I’m looking at you Real Housewives, Mind of Mencia, The Jeff Dunham Show, CBS’s comedies, and the E! network.  Except for The Soup.  Jeff Winger kicks ass.

Anybody that tells me that they never watch TV is either a goddamn
liar or more importantly, someone I hate.  We all have a moment when watching TV became more important than homework, going outside, and bathing.  Maybe it was the first time you saw Theo learn a lesson about the importance of an education with Monopoly money.  Or maybe shit got really real when you found out Jesse Spano was so…so…scared.

Maybe you grew up watching reruns of MASH and Dragnet and you just don’t understand the shows these damn kids like so much nowadays with their music and ethnicities.

Somewhere along the way, we had that magic moment and we keep coming back for more. Now we sit transfixed as Raylan Givens builds up his body count or wish our friends were half as cool as Troy and Abed.  For you, maybe TV peaked when Stringer Bell got got.  Or you’re still pissed that Firefly got cancelled and you know that some day Joss Whedon will get the crew together again. (don’t count on it)  If Don Draper could be your designated driver and you’re still pretty sure you want to join the F.O.O.T clan, then welcome home.

We the people of MSCTV are here to explore everything that makes us TV junkies.  Some would call what you’ll see here the ranting of madmen.  Others would say this is a never ending manifesto.  I say it’s something to distract you for a few minutes while the fluorescent lighting above you slowly eats away at your soul.  Enjoy.

– The Crew